Joie de Vivre

Summer 2009 Goings-On

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Winston's First Big Hike

Taking a Dip

Some pictures from Washington

And Chicago...

Be Not Afraid

A lot of things are on my mind right now, but today I felt like writing about my fears. I think in writing we are able to purge ourselves of negative, confusing thoughts and able to come to some conclusion or clarity. So I'm hoping to purge myself of these fears that are bogging me down.

I heard something interesting from my boss recently-she said she heard that "Be not afraid" is the least-followed commandment. It really made me think of how true that is. How many things do we avoid in life due to fear? I know that I have avoided several things and consequently shrunk back to my comfort zone, feeling highly disappointed in myself.

These are my fears...yes, I am a huge worrier...

I'm scared about Lupus.
If I do have Lupus, I'm scared that it will progressively get worse and worse, and even if I go in remission, I'm scared it will flare again.
I'm scared that someday I'll have to switch insurance and that Lupus will become a pre-existing condition I won't be able to get treatment for.
I fear that I might not be able to have children someday because of it.
I fear that if it gets worse, it could target my crucial organs and cut my life short.
I'm scared of the medications I will have to take for it, they will lower my immunity and there have been studies showing they result in increased risk of Lymphoma. What's worse, Lupus or Lymphoma? I'll take Lupus.

I'm scared that my house may foreclose soon, Adam hasn't made the payment in 4 months.
I'm scared that my credit is going to be destroyed even more and that I will have a difficult time refinancing my car and getting an apartment someday.
If it miraculously doesn't foreclose, I'm scared that the house won't sell, and I really need the money from the sale for school or Europe (I already bought my ticket, thinking that the house would sell soon and I'd be able to cover the trip with it).
I'm scared that the small amount of money I've saved will quickly diminish when I go to Europe, since I won't be making any money and I'll only be spending. (If only the house would sell!)

I'm scared that when I move, Winston will be unhappy. (Yes, he's just a dog, but I can't live with that kind of guilt!)
I also fear everyday that Winston will find some sneaky way to get out of the yard and run away.

I fear moving away by myself and leaving everything and everyone behind, even though I know it will be good for me.
I fear that in moving, I will hurt my family's feelings. It's hard when a family member wants to move far away.
I fear that I'll miss my family too much and that I'll be a blubbering baby for quite awhile.
I fear change. But I still know it's good for me.

Obviously, what I'm lacking right now is faith. I know I need to just have faith that if I do what's right, the Lord will always protect me, guide me, comfort me, and bless me for my efforts. I'm going to work towards facing each of my fears, do what I can, and put the rest in God's hands. I was telling Dad how worried I am about certain things with Lupus, and he said "Remember that the Lord will always make up the difference." I know that's true. I know that whatever challenges we may face in this life, the Lord will always make up the difference. He will always be there to carry us through and to bless us.