City of Roses

August

Joie de Vivre

Summer 2009 Goings-On

*****

Winston's First Big Hike

Taking a Dip

Some pictures from Washington

And Chicago...

Be Not Afraid

A lot of things are on my mind right now, but today I felt like writing about my fears. I think in writing we are able to purge ourselves of negative, confusing thoughts and able to come to some conclusion or clarity. So I'm hoping to purge myself of these fears that are bogging me down.

I heard something interesting from my boss recently-she said she heard that "Be not afraid" is the least-followed commandment. It really made me think of how true that is. How many things do we avoid in life due to fear? I know that I have avoided several things and consequently shrunk back to my comfort zone, feeling highly disappointed in myself.

These are my fears...yes, I am a huge worrier...

I'm scared about Lupus.
If I do have Lupus, I'm scared that it will progressively get worse and worse, and even if I go in remission, I'm scared it will flare again.
I'm scared that someday I'll have to switch insurance and that Lupus will become a pre-existing condition I won't be able to get treatment for.
I fear that I might not be able to have children someday because of it.
I fear that if it gets worse, it could target my crucial organs and cut my life short.
I'm scared of the medications I will have to take for it, they will lower my immunity and there have been studies showing they result in increased risk of Lymphoma. What's worse, Lupus or Lymphoma? I'll take Lupus.

I'm scared that my house may foreclose soon, Adam hasn't made the payment in 4 months.
I'm scared that my credit is going to be destroyed even more and that I will have a difficult time refinancing my car and getting an apartment someday.
If it miraculously doesn't foreclose, I'm scared that the house won't sell, and I really need the money from the sale for school or Europe (I already bought my ticket, thinking that the house would sell soon and I'd be able to cover the trip with it).
I'm scared that the small amount of money I've saved will quickly diminish when I go to Europe, since I won't be making any money and I'll only be spending. (If only the house would sell!)

I'm scared that when I move, Winston will be unhappy. (Yes, he's just a dog, but I can't live with that kind of guilt!)
I also fear everyday that Winston will find some sneaky way to get out of the yard and run away.

I fear moving away by myself and leaving everything and everyone behind, even though I know it will be good for me.
I fear that in moving, I will hurt my family's feelings. It's hard when a family member wants to move far away.
I fear that I'll miss my family too much and that I'll be a blubbering baby for quite awhile.
I fear change. But I still know it's good for me.

Obviously, what I'm lacking right now is faith. I know I need to just have faith that if I do what's right, the Lord will always protect me, guide me, comfort me, and bless me for my efforts. I'm going to work towards facing each of my fears, do what I can, and put the rest in God's hands. I was telling Dad how worried I am about certain things with Lupus, and he said "Remember that the Lord will always make up the difference." I know that's true. I know that whatever challenges we may face in this life, the Lord will always make up the difference. He will always be there to carry us through and to bless us.

Self Worth

I just want to tell everyone right now, please appreciate who you are and what God has given you. If He has given you pale skin and freckles, find the beauty in it. If He has given you mousey brown hair(mine), bright red hair, or even no hair, find the beauty in it. If you're not as shapely as you'd like to be, or you're more shapely than you'd care to be, find beauty in the unique shape you have. If you look in the mirror and all you can see are flaws, find the beauty in the imperfections and realize the great depth and compassion it gives you as a person.

We are all different for a reason and in conforming to whatever happens to be hip, stylish, or even what we perceive to be a critical means to our heightened self-esteem, we are putting not only our self-worth at risk, but at times our health. A new face or new skin or a new body are not what's going to ultimately make us feel better about ourselves. A renewed sense of our self-worth and the knowledge that God designed you just the way you are for a purpose will help more than anything else. Just remember that some of the things we choose to put ourselves through in the name of self-esteem might just be the things that end up destroying it.

Things That Must Go

Allergies, allergies, allergies

I just need to vent for a bit here. I am officially fed up with allergy season. This has been probably the worst season for me in quite awhile and nothing works anymore. My most annoying symptom used to be severe itchy throat and I haven't experienced it for years; until this season. Now it's my number one symptom once again, and it's so severe that I'm starting to develop sores in the back of my throat from all the itching. Benadryl is always my last resort, since I have two other medications I take interchangeably, but Benadryl doesn't even work at all anymore. I think all it does now is keep me up all night rather than knocking me out.

I have been reading forums online and apparently the best thing out there for people like me with the bad itchy throat, is Airborne Seasonal Relief and NasalCrom. I've called a bunch of pharmacies today and to my surprise the only store carrying this variety of Airborne is K-Mart. So I'll be stocking up later this afternoon. Thank you K-Mart! I will be praising you for years to come. No longer will I refer to you as K-Mart Fall Apart.
Let me just say again though, allergies MUST GO!

Ok it's been awhile since I've posted. I had planned on dilligently keeping this blog up but keep losing momentum!